the fear that washes over us
by il-sole-le-stelle
Summary: In their search for Mortmain's whereabouts post-Clockwork Prince, Tessa changes into someone else who experienced a traumatic death and finds herself unable to change back.


This piece was inspired by the prompt given to me by **Majesta Moniet: **Tessa Changing into someone with a troubled mind or traumatic past/memory and it is so overwhelming that she panics and cannot let go of the form. Jem helps her through it until she is back in her own skin.

* * *

Everything started with one pair of torn and tattered shoes.

Will and Jem had gone out one night in search for clues as to Mortmain's whereabouts. Tessa found herself pacing up and down the Institute, worrying for their safety. Charlotte had attempted to reassure Tessa, calming her down while she gently touched her belly, which was starting to show. Tessa wondered if Charlotte was actually reassuring herself and her unborn baby. But she held her tongue, knowing that it would not do any good to doubt Charlotte's conviction.

The Institute had received an anonymous tip about Mortmain's last known place of operations somewhere near the docks and Charlotte had sent the two most important people in Tessa's life to investigate. One held a part of her heart and the other held the promise of a future ahead. She was equally worried for the two of them, for two Shadowhunters were barely a match for an army of clockwork creatures. Will would have laughed her concerns off with a smug comment of his, something along the lines of how he and Jem were a perfect team, _parabatais_ who knew what each other was thinking, and that made fighting too easy for them. Jem would have just smiled at Will, shaking his head in amusement with that noticeable sparkle in his eye. One reserved for his _parabatai _only.

The gates opened with a loud noise as Will and Jem came running in. Tessa and Charlotte ran out to greet them, two boys covered in mud, blood and grime. Tessa glanced at Will briefly to ascertain if he was injured. He caught her eye and immediately looked away as Jem stepped forward to embrace her in his arms.

"_Wo mei shou shang, qing ni fang xin," _Jem voiced out the thought in her mind, the corners of his lips turned upwards.

Tessa was not entirely convinced and she ran her hands along the areas of Jem's clothes where there was blood. He chuckled and waited for her to finish her inspection.

"Alright," she breathed.

"Did you find anything?" Charlotte asked, ever that anxious when it came to searching for Mortmain. Tessa could not blame her, for the Clave had been exerting pressure on the London Institute since Benedict Lightwood's transgressions came to light. No one knew who to trust anymore and the prospect of a clockwork army which was difficult to destroy was a major concern.

Will pulled out a pair of shoes from the inside of his coat and handed them to Charlotte. "We found this in the abandoned warehouse. That, and a whole other bunch of gears and widgets that had defects. Mortmain and his army were there, that's for certain. But they've since moved."

Tessa examined the shoes carefully. It was the type of shoes young girls of a humble background would wear- plain, simple and nondescript. The sides were frayed and the soles were worn out from friction. It was as if the last time it was worn, the owner had been running or walking for a long distance. "May I?" she inquired, hoping that she could be of some help in understanding the significance of this clue in finding Mortmain.

Charlotte nodded and passed the pair of shoes to her. Tessa held them gingerly in her hands, waiting for that wave of recollection to hit her. She felt something, but it was faint and a little garbled, as if something was blocking its transmission. Wrapping her hands around the shoes, with purpose this time, she closed her eyes and concentrated, using her will to tease out the mental image in her mind before putting them on. They fit her perfectly. And then it came, washing over her like a second skin.

/

_She was walking home, taking a shortcut through the docks. Mother was going to be very displeased when she got back. It was past midnight and the streets were barely lit. Unsafe for an unwed girl like her. The rainy season had made the cobblestones more slippery than ever, and this hampered her rush home. She could not walk as fast as she wanted without losing her balance several times. Looking down at the pair of shoes on her feet, she sighed. She has had them for several years, the only pair of shoes she could wear out. They were starting to fray at the edges and she knew they would only last a few more wears. Mother had no money to afford a new pair for her, not since Father passed away in an industrial accident few months back. The shoes had been her fifteenth birthday present from him. She remembered Father fondly, always smoking a pipe when he got home from work and telling her stories of how someday the new inventions in his factory would change their lives. And everyone else's. _

_The lights in one of the warehouses were lit, which was unusual. Curiosity got the better of her and she took a detour through the narrow lanes to approach that warehouse. The sign above the door had fallen to the ground and she wondered why an abandoned warehouse was still functioning in the dead of the night. She tiptoed to the side of the warehouse and peered into one of the fogged up windows, barely making out what was going on inside. The sight of it shocked her, and she had to cover her mouth with her hand to stop herself from gasping out loud. Rows of people made from metal greeted her. The whole room was just packed with these people- no, things- she corrected herself. They weren't human, even though they had similar features. _

_Without warning, one of them turned its gaze towards her. She fell back in surprise, her body hitting against a metal sheet leaning against the wall. Even if the metal creature had not seen her through the blurred window, it would have heard her by now. Pulling herself up at once, she turned and fled towards the main street as fast as her two legs could carry her. She ran, occasionally glancing back to see if anyone was pursuing her. Rounding a corner, she stopped to catch her breath, relieved for a second that she had managed to escape. But it was a false sense of security, as she would find out later. A metal hand circled her right wrist and pulled her out of her hiding place. A scream died in her throat as its other hand clamped tightly onto her mouth and slightly covering her nose, almost suffocating her. Any attempts she made to kick and flail against the creature were futile as its grip on her was vise-like. And she finally fell limp against her captor as it pressed its hand against her mouth with a force that was enough to cut off her air supply. _

_/_

_She woke up to find her limbs bound haphazardly by cords of rope, and her face against a cold hard surface. Struggling against her restraints, she took stock of her surroundings. It was dimly lit with a door at the other side. She calculated her chances. If she could get out of these restraints, she had only fifteen seconds to get to the door. _

_A voice in the dark dashed her hopes. "Don't even think of running. There are clockwork automatons outside that door, waiting to kill anyone who escapes." His voice was oily, and gave her the feeling of something slippery and disgusting sliding along her skin. She shivered in fear and he laughed. _

"_What do you want from me?"_

"_Nothing. You were snooping around and the guards took care of it," The stranger stated simply. "So tell me, why is a girl like you sneaking around near my warehouse?"_

"_I… I was taking a shortcut home," she stammered, hoping that the fear in her voice would raise some sympathy. _

"_Lies!" he snapped. "Tell me who are you working for. Those filthy Nephilims?" She detected a sneer in his voice, and even though she did not know what or who Nephilims were, she could guess that he hated them to the core. _

"_I don't know what you are talking about."_

"_If you're trying to be difficult, then don't blame me for the things I will do to force a confession out of you." _

"_I'm not lying. I really don't know what you're talking about," she shouted. _

"_Still this stubborn? Then, you leave me with no choice." She felt the cool surface against her skin momentarily before a searing pain went through her arm. Someone had sliced her with a blade, and she screamed, as the pain spread through her whole body like fire incinerating every inch of her with cuts made methodically and cleanly on almost every part of her. _

/

Tessa felt the pain cut into her entire being, but she was trapped at the back of the girl's mind. Willing herself to Change, the pain overwhelmed her instead as more cuts were inflicted on the girl, all over her arms, her legs, and even on her throat, narrowly missing her carotid artery. As the pain pulled her back into the girl's memories, she managed to choke out one word, "_Jem", _before losing her consciousness to someone else's mind.

/

_She begged, "Please kill me now." Her blood was flowing freely out of her through the multiple cuts she had been given. Fifty. Hundred. More than one hundred. She lost count. She could feel her life ebbing away as she continued to bleed, and she was growing weaker every second. _

"_Are you going to talk?" he asked her._

"_I don't know anything. I'm not working for anyone."_

_He sighed in exasperation. "Even if I were to believe you, little girl, who is to say you wouldn't reveal what I'm doing in this warehouse to other people."_

"_I promise I won't tell a soul," she groveled. "You have my word."_

"_Indeed, you won't tell a soul." There was a sudden brightness in his voice. The next words she heard chilled her to the core, "Kill her."_

_She felt a knife go through her chest, right on target into her heart. The sudden movement caught her off guard, but she did not have time to react to it, as time seemed to slow down. Her sensations were numbed, and pain bloomed in her chest slowly at first and then it accelerated, engulfing her entire being. The last thing she remembered was her head hitting the floor and she was gone._

_/_

Tessa screamed, her hands clutching the area where her heart was frantically. She was still in the form of the girl, looking at everyone through the girl's eyes. She wanted to Change back. But it felt as if something was blocking her. A mental barrier. The girl's shoes were already off her feet, but she remained in that form. There were three people staring at her, horror all over their faces. A boy with silver hair- Jem, she recognised- had his arms around her, as he whispered, "Tessa, come back. Tessa, I know you're in there. Come back to us." Will had Charlotte in a chair at the furthest side of the room, his expression tight as he tried to soothe her.

Looking down, she saw blood all over her clothes and she panicked, struggling against Jem's hold over hers. "Let me go!" she yelled, regretting it immediately as another wave of pain crashed over her and she slumped back into Jem's arms.

"Tessa," Jem called out, his voice choked with emotions. "I love you, Tessa. I know you're in there. Change back for us, for all of us." I know you can do this. Please." Turning to his _parabatai_, he called out, "I could use some help here."

A weird expression flickered in Will's eyes as he walked over to kneel on the other side of Tessa. "If you can hear us, Tessa," his voice cracked at the end, "then use that recognition to come back to us."

"Use your strength to Change back. I know you have it in you. We're all here for you. You don't have to be afraid. No one's going to hurt you. _Wo jiu zai ni de shen pang, wo yi ding hui bao hu ni._"

The words Jem spoke stirred something in her; it was like a memory long forgotten but was gradually coming back to her. She followed it like a thread leading her back to where she was supposed to go. She visualized herself pushing past that barrier in her mind, summoning thoughts of Jem and replaying his words over and over again. Slowly, she felt the layer peel away from her and saw the blood disappear from her clothes as if it was never there to begin with. She turned her head up to look at Jem, and seeing the relief in his eyes, she forced a smile out. Will left her side almost immediately after she Changed back, like it was too painful to be so close to her.

"I heard you. Those words you spoke in Mandarin," she said weakly to Jem. "And then I remembered you. I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. We saw everything, we knew what you were going through." Jem kissed her temple, his lips lingering on her skin for a while.

"It was Mortmain. The girl stumbled upon his factory and he killed her to prevent any word from getting out." She stumbled upon her rush to get all the words out. "There were rows of automatons, enough to fill a whole room."

It was Charlotte who responded this time as she walked over to Tessa's side. "I'll inform the Clave immediately." Wrapping Tessa in her arms, she said before standing up to head towards her office, "You've done too much for us, Tessa. Please, have a rest." Will followed behind her, glancing back once at Tessa with an unfathomable expression on his face.

"I thought I lost you," Jem whispered in her ear. "That's my greatest fear. Losing you."

"I'm not going anywhere, Jem," she told him as tears streamed down her face. "I promise."

* * *

Translations:

_Wo mei shou shang, qing ni fang xin _(I'm not injured, please don't worry)

_Wo jiu zai ni de shen pang, wo yi ding hui bao hu ni _(I'm right here beside you, I will protect you)


End file.
